Having spent time at over 2,000 weddings and counting, I have seen and heard a lot of things. Trust me, 90% isn’t as dramatic as what you see on reality shows, however, there are a few gems that stick in my mind.  Sometimes the stress of the day can lead to really high tension and stress. The parties will remain nameless, in fact, I couldn’t even tell you their names, but the phrases are unique, often stunning, but always memorable. Here are just a few of my favorites.

“I should have taken the whole pill”
(Mother-in-Law having seen her ex-husband with his new wife after many years)

“Whatever I wish? Whatever I wish you say to me, “mother”?
How about I wish that your mother drops dead of a stroke on your wedding day”
(Mother of Groom this was BEFORE cocktail hour).

“Ok, I’ve had enough to drink, I don’t even want dinner, just take me back to the nursing home”.
(Grandmother of Groom, a recovering alcoholic) 

Best Man (unknown the groom was wearing a mic for the vows): “Dude, you gotta get separate bank accounts, are you kidding me?  Every time you buy a case of beer there is going to be a fight, but every time she buys a pair of shoes you can’t say sh*t! Dude, you gotta get separate accounts.  God forbid you buy a set of golf clubs!

Photographer urged the groom for just one more photo saying
“when is the next time you will have this opportunity to get photos like this?”

Groom: “According to divorce statistics, less than 5 years”.
(Bride remained silent, for that moment).

Groom to Priest:
“Lets just get this done and legal so the life insurance policy becomes valid and let’s hope she goes before me.”

Guest to Wife:
“I don’t care if its your cousin, no open bar? I am taking $50 out of the gift envelope to pay for my drinks!”

Guest to Friend:
“I can’t believe he actually married that whore.”

Rabbi to Photographer:
“I doubt these two are going to make it”

Priest to Photographer:
“You would think the groom and best man would have at least waited until after communion to get high”.

Relative of Bride to Photographer
“Can you photoshop my husband out afterward”?

Best Man’s Speech for Groom (his older brother, with a Russian accent):
“Hopefully their love will not become outgrown, otherwise, if it is common with family tradition,
I will get Sabrina next” (the bride burst out laughing, everyone found it very amusing, luckily).

Drunk Guy Guest (as the best man was tearing up while praising his brother/groom in a toast)
“Go ahead and cry you little bitch.”

Bridesmaids (during the chiming of the bell for Communion)
“Ice Cream Truck!” (she was Jewish)

Those are some of the more horrid (and slightly amusing) comments I’ve heard, but these few comments far outweigh the happy weddings I have been honored to participate in the past 10 years or so.  99% of the time you do not hear things like this, but its always the 1% you remember.  I’ve been a part of some really special and heartwarming weddings that really change any negativity there is about marriage in the long run.

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